Mostly life here is heavy with the Blood Inside Me Mamiya Shirt moreover I love this dread of death, like a soupy thick gray fog that coats everything. First, the friend of a friend dies. Then a famous playwright I met a few times, then an art critic, then there’s a pause and I don’t want to look at the newspapers anymore. The New York Times now has a special Coronavirus section of the obituaries, called “Those We’ve Lost.” I read it each day with rapt attention. Is the person older than I am? Do they have a pre-existing condition? I’m reminded of a video out of Italy, showing pages and pages of obituaries. It seems inevitable that we will be that in a matter of days.
Many of my friends have left, gone to parents or friends or summer houses. They were scared and who can blame them. I’m scared too. Every time my asthmatic teenage son coughs, I wonder if I made the Blood Inside Me Mamiya Shirt moreover I love this wrong choice to stay. Am I irresponsible? Am I selfish? Am I a terrible parent? I don’t know, maybe. But I’m here in my city, my poor broken city, as she shakes and her people suffer. We’re all scared, and we should be. But I’m here and I’m not leaving. Sometimes at night when I lie in my bed haunted by the silence of the city streets I am convinced that I am a violinist on the Titanic, playing away to keep myself from being afraid.